Thursday, April 30, 2009

You Make Me Dizzy Miss Lizzy

Blicky Kitty has been asked to create a playlist for Queen Elizabeth's new iPod that Obama gave her. She'll be shaking her tweed-clad self in no time with our lineup:

Fake Empire by The National
Safe European Home by the Clash
Sexy Little Girl Princess by Lisa Germano
Radio Gaga by Queen 
London Calling by the Clash
Banquet by Bloc Party
North American Scum by LCD Soundsystem
Wear Clean Drawers by the Coup
You're Aging Well by Dar Williams
Royal Pain by the Eels
Killer Parties by The Hold Steady

OK well maybe I'm just overtired so I just scrolled down through the titles in iTunes I thought she'd enjoy. Feel free to add your own...

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

L'Etat C'est Blick

Paul Cézanne, Mount Sainte-Victoire

Mount Ste-Victoire, April, 1999

The staff at Blicky Kitty are celebrating all things French today!

The South of France is an ancient Gallic marvel of Papal Palaces, which produced minds like St. Exupery and Cézanne, plus there is killer rock climbing around Mount Sainte-Victoire. As you wander around the rocky terrain it's like walking into a Cézanne canvas with the darkly defined linear structure of the trees, growing as if they've been slathered with daubs of black ochre paint. The quality of greens that you can see on the landscape seem to change with each variation in light. The lenticular clouds float untouched by the mistral winds and scatter moody colors across farm buildings and woodlands. This unique landscape had as profound an effect on the development of early modern painting at anything hanging in far off Paris at the Musée d'Orsay or the Musée de l'Orangerie.

I'm sending Blicky over for a spa getaway while I clean the house and get ready for an afternoon playdate. He assures me that his French is impeccable. It's so weird, Blicky Kitty is HUGE in France. I know, who would've thunk it? The paparazzi and mainstream press are following him into his spa treatments. He emailed me the transcript of an interview he did:

French Reporter: Blicky Kitty, what do you think of France so far?
BK: Sur le pont d'Avignon, L'on y danse, l'on y danse, Sur le pont d'Avignon, L'on y danse tout en rond.
FR: Um, yes that's a 15th century folk song about the Pont d'Avignon. It's OK, I speak English. Tell me, how are you enjoying your spa day?
BK: L'Etat c'est moi. Pomme frittes. Je voudrais un chocolat chaud; grand avec du lait de soya, pas de creme. Quelle heure est-il?
FR: Blicky Kitty, that doesn't make any sense. Could you please speak in English? Can you tell me anything of value that I can pass along to my readers?
BK. Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
FR: Ah merci bien alors Monsieur Kitty!

Et voici votre amusement obligatoire:

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Report: What I Did on My Spring Vacation

Well it was school vacation week in MA. We spent a wonderful week. See if you can spot the things we did not do during the vacation:
A. Spend the afternoon plein air painting in the gardens of Blythewald, in Bristol, RI.
B. Learn the fine, yet messy art of taxidermy at a special children's seminar offered by our local children's museum.
C. Construct an elaborate full scale educational diorama about child labor conditions in the 1920's.
D. Take in the sights at the new (to me) MoMA.
E. Dress my children up as 16-year-olds and hunt for 1920's-esque factory jobs with poor conditions and long hours.
F. Get to hear my three year old publicly utter the words: "Look Mumma, I found another Rothko!"
G. Enroll aforementioned 3 yr. old in rodeo clown school.
H. Get to hear my three year old publicly utter the words: "Look Mumma I'm a frog that poops!" as she hopped precariously close to the (gristly) Woman With Her Throat Cut sculpture by Giacometti.
I. Shop for Manolo Blahniks with the money earned from 1920's-esque children's factory jobs.
J. Enter 8 yr. old in the Jon Benet junior bathing beauty pageant.
K. Get to see Spring Awakening (w/out kids) in Providence.
L. Go for a beautiful nature walk with May-May in South County, RI.

Any cool images seen on BK are derived from talented relatives.

Any cool images seen on BK are derived from talented relatives.

Answers: Activities B, C, E, G, I and J did not actually take place on this vacation. I am not ruling anything out for future sojourns however.

OK I brought home a little mandatory fun for you. Just to let you know I am one of those rare people who just does not like musicals. But Blicky is declaring Spring Awakening fan-flippin-tastic:

Friday, April 17, 2009

Wacky Packages for a New Era

For some time, I've been aspiring to create a Wacky Packages line for our new era, but no sooner had I created this, Blicky decided to buy the rights and create an actual toy product for girls. He thinks these things will sell even better than another product of a different name...

He feels that until now, little girls had no idea what to tell their plastic surgeons when they grew up so this is actually a public service. He also feels that he's helping society by teaching little girls that the of the color of your skin doesn't matter; they can all aspire to sluttiness. He hired a bunch of models to promote the new line. They even agreed to have their noses surgically removed and their lips enhanced with permanent shellac. One of the unfortunate side effects from the procedures is that their feet now fall off, but luckily they are a cheerful bunch.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

From Our Accountant...

Dear Mrs. ________,

It was very kind of you to bring your tax materials to our office at 4:45 this afternoon but quite frankly I'm not sure what you thought we could do for you. While I understand you might not have heard that tax day is April 15th, some of the material you brought in ranges from the perplexing to the reprehensible.

Under your profession you wrote "Taxidermist (just kidding). MILF (just kidding). Blogger (LOL ROTF)." What do you mean by this? The IRS emphatically does not appreciate humor, ambiguity or narrative content in your tax return. 

You list 3 dependents (one of which is a highly dependent dyspeptic feline), so I'm assuming that you have children under your care when you're not too busy blogging.

Spa treatments, massages and facials do not count as unreimbursed medical expenses and soreness from your pilates class does not count as a disability.

No, you cannot receive your refund in gold bouillon, and to answer your question you can't get an additional refund for your share of the stimulus packages.

You actually owe taxes and as I told you last year, you can't pay for it in Kinzcash.


Dewey Cheetham

Your Accountant

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Saucy-licious Wednesday

Blicky Kitty is feeling absolutely Sauce-tastic, Sauce-tacular and Saucy-licious since he learned he is to be the featured blog over at the Secret is in the Sauce. Welcome saucy bloggers! I've already met some really great bloggy friends over at SITS, so I'm delighted and honored to have this Sauce-o-delic day in the sun!

I just stumbled over a reference to these the other day. Am I was the only person in the world who still remembers Wacky Packages from the 70s? If you don't it just means your either too young or not nerdy enough -- take your pick. They were little bubble gum packs that came with stickers spoofing contemporary ad campaigns. Here's my all-time favorite:
If I close my eyes I can almost hear the snorts and guffaws of countless 1970's kids from the 10 and under set.
If there's one things my kids are missing out on in their sheltered little Beatrix Potter PBS kids universe is a good drunken joke. Those little nuts are completely pissed off of their gourds. You never see Peep, Clifford or Caillou fall into a barrel of whiskey then stumble around hiccuping. I plan to write to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting on the subject. How will children ever know that they ought not go swimming in a barrel marked "XXX"? Caillou would say in his impertinent, high-pitched whine, "Mommy why are there two of you? I just punched Rosie and Gilbert!"

I remember this one too because it was so cool that there was this gruesome, dead Davie Crocket guy in there. I used to love the fact that anything was possible in the wacky packages universe. You could buy things that would seriously harm you and it would be hysterical.

What would be some good modern wacky packages? I think they just need to be super morbid, corny puns.

Oh here's some good mandatory fun for you. The birds and the fun animation reminded me of all the beautiful images in Steviewren's blog. I can't stop listening to Neko Case this week. Her voice is just astounding to me and her new album Middle Cyclone showcases it so well:

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Happy Easter!

This is what the moppets and I read tonight. Happy Easter!!

Dear little bunny, you unfortunately are not part of the bunny hegemony. You must come to terms with the social taxonomy as it is articulated to you by the dominant social group. If you don't make the appropriate reproductive decisions you are not destined for high achievement. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Oh No They Ditn't....

OK this is a fun meme from Ann's Rants. Of course I can't follow the rules of these things to save my life so I'll just do my own. I present to you the rudest events I have ever experienced. I might not have a big list but they're goodies. I'm also adding in some things I wish I had said.

Growing up we were lucky enough to be able to spend summers at my grandmother's house in Newport RI (that's me rowing around with some children that have been foolishly entrusted to me). Because it's a tourist destination, a young student can always find a restaurant job and I had the distinction of being a horribly, horribly bad waitress. One especially busy night we were short-staffed and I was left with ten tables. In the middle of the shift a couple pulled me aside to make sure I knew how terrible I was. 
Mean customers: "We just wanted to let you know this service has been the worst we have ever had. We didn't get our bread on time, our food was late and you forgot our second drink order entirely."
Dream Response: "Well I was disappointed in you as customers too. I don't think you handled yourself well at all. You shouldn't really try to order in another language unless you're fluent because it just sounds pretentious and you should really lay off the cream sauce."

Then there was the old guy in the train station in Czechoslovakia (thank you, spell check feature). We had gotten kicked off a train while en route to Poland, because we didn't know we needed transit visas. Anyway, we had to sleep in the station. I woke up when he came in -- a big friendly smile on his face, like one of those picturesque toothless dudes that serve as the unwitting backdrop to some overeducated American or British memoir writer who discovers themselves while traveling in Europe. Anyway, he picks up my water bottle off the floor walks over and squeezes my breast.
Real Response: (shaking my sleep-sodden head) "Um, I think that old man just squeezed my boob. Yeah, actually, no... um yeah...I think he did."
Dream Response: (in perfect Czechoslovakian) "Oh my gosh, that was so hot! I bet that just slays them in toothless rural Czechoslovakian old lady circles!"

Then there was the time one restaurant manager had the good sense to fire me. I won't mention any names but my boss was Eni and if I could spell it or remember her last name you may be certain that I'd be posting that as well along with her date of birth and social security number. Anyway, one night after work I was in the ladies room, in the stall, when Eni came in and slipped the envelope under the door. 
Eni: "Sorry to do this here, but here you go." So I opened it up and read that I was fired.
Dream Response: Hey Eni, sorry to do this here, but I have a good-bye present for you!

Crazy Lady at my dad's funeral: Oh, you're Laurel? Oh I heard all about the miscarriage, and now your Dad died. That must be so hard. Are you pregnant again? (I wasn't)
Real Response: (insert sound effect of crickets chirping)
Dream Response: I honestly can't even come up with a good dream response here. Any ideas?

My three yr. old at church, while stretching my shirt over my shoulder: Mumma your moo moo (what she used to call nursing) bra is not pretty. You should wear the leopard one.

Thesis Advisor: You can't measure these things, but if you could, I say you have a really disorganized mind. Also your writing is weak.
Real Response: (insert crickets again)
Dream Response: I think this skirt looks hot on me. OMG It's soooo fun being 28. Have you met my Italian boyfriend? I bet I could spell Checkoslovakia without even using spell check!

Drunk guy at bar: "So, who's your friend?"
Dream Response: "Go over and introduce yourself and tell her I sent you. Here, I'll hold your wallet."

Little old lady who I let go in front of me last month at the bargain grocery store: "Oh I thought you were a man."
Dream Response: Again I'm coming up dry. Any ideas? Oh, wait! I got it! "Well you cute little Q-Tip, I know a Czechoslovakian toothless little guy around your age who would beg to differ!"

Monday, April 6, 2009

Stuff You Never See On Facebook

Click here to read my Facebook page

Well I was on Facebook tonight looking at the status of all of my friends. I know! My friends list has gotten way longer and more interesting since we got Blicky:

Charo is cuchi-cuchi
Gene Shallot is still being stalked by Anna Lefler.
Fabio still can't believe it's not butter.
Jermaine Clement wishes that weird old lady with the cat blog would stop calling his house.
Beazlebub is getting the "undisclosed location" all tidied up for when a former VP comes back home for a visit.
Johnny Depp is still deep and edgy.
Kate Moss is ****ssnooorrt!***
Miley Cyrus is flying to North Korea to teach Kim Jong-il how to take over the world, one little girl at a time.

Here are some ideas for really, really bad things to post on Facebook if you're receiving a bonus with a portion of the government bailout money:

Skiff is Nanny Nanny Boo-Boo.
Chet is busy instructing a contractor to cover the maid's quarters in gold leaf.
Livingston is on the yacht, choking on his Pims he's laughing so hard at poor people.
Monty is posting the addresses of his fellow federal bailout bonus recipients as a joke.
Skiff is worried about the flaming object that was just hurled through his window.
Chet is "hey did the contractor let you in?"
Livingston is wondering if there's a wedding with lots of torches at the yacht club.
Monty strongly regrets his role the untimely death of his Wall Street chums.
Skiff is "What does that say? Acme TNT?"
Chet is "No, no put the cudgel down you lowlife taxpayer!"
Livingston thinks that torch-wielding crowd must be his prep school friends coming onto the dock to surprise him.
Monty wonders if he remembered to delete his own address from the list.
Skiff is aahhhhhh!
Chet is owwwww!
Livingston is "Groundswell of populist sentiment! Oh no! Oh no!"
Monty is "heeeellllp!"

Check out Anna Lefler's post about Facebook which I discovered in the middle of writing this. It's the blog equivalent of thinking you look great walking into a party in that new Valentino and in walks Halle Berry wearing the same exact thing!

Here's some mandatory fun for you. I'm actually reposting to stick a new video on here that Kat over at Poetikat's Invisible Keepsakes reminded me about today on FB. Thanks Kat! This is just way too funny. Carol Burnett as Charo's mother:

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Recession? What Recession?

The Big Cat and I snuck out for a quick flick tonight in beautiful downtown Providence. The movie Duplicity with Julia Roberts and Clive Owen was showing at the Providence Place Mall (We always love a good caper flick and she's never dull to watch on screen, is she?). We used to live in Providence before moving out here to the boonies and driving in is always a treat. I lovie, love, love Providence for so many reasons.

On the walk in, we were struck by the sheer numbers of people wandering around who haven't heard of this stupid old scary, nose-diving economy thing. It was no different than any Saturday night two years ago; with self-conscious young girls wandering about in ill-fitting tight jeans, young boys conducting distracted, fractured conversations as they smile excitedly and look around, and young couples bringing their toddlers to movies and giving them free reign on the virtual video rides. Many of them carried actual store bags so they apparently weren't just there for the food court and a movie. I started to think "Gee, maybe I don't need to be hoarding canned goods, dehydrated military rations and automatic weapons." Everything is just fine.

Upon closer inspection however, some things have changed. We went to the automated payment kiosk to validate our parking and heard a familiar sounding synthesized voice:

"Welcome to Providence Place Mall, please insert your ticket." Oh no! It's world renowned physicist and author Stephen J. Hawking! How could things come to this where the pillars of our society are forced into such debased and menial positions? "Please insert card or cash payment now." 

"It's OK, Stephen J. Hawking," I yelled. "You don't need to do lower yourself like this!" There are always high school science jobs that you could apply for!" At least he didn't have to see his clients. They must've had a microphone in there for him to use. As we left the building, I worried that it wasn't well-ventilated enough for him.

As we drove out I was reminded about another worrying sign of the times from a while back. Hobos have apparently taken up residence in our beautiful shopping mecca!

This is a true story! Performance artist (hobo) Michael Townsend and a group of fellow artists snuck into Providence Place mall and built a small studio apartment. The project arose from the artist's desire to explore the phenomenon of the modern American mall and his own relationship with consumer goods. Here's a link to a web site about their project where they "market" the loft as a stylish new living community. They created the 750 foot square space above an empty storage room in the mall parking garage that was accessed through a door in the stairwell. The collective of artists worked together to haul in over two tons of materials to outfit their space.

According to the Providence Journal, "In a feat of derring-do likely to be savored for years by the Providence-area underground-art community, the artists illegally ate, drank, slept, read, held meetings, watched TV and enjoyed games on a Sony Playstation 2 in a palace of American consumerism." They had simple casual furnishings and only the barest necessities, but they apparently had bold improvement plans for the space.

I only just realized tonight that Michael Townsend was the same one who created a moving tribute to the victims of 9/11 in Manhattan. He and a team of fellow artists created silhouettes in painter's tape representing victims of the attack. The figures are laid out across the city to form four hearts when viewed from above.

I'm not sure, but I might have met him when I took the kittens to the TapeArt Artaquarium off of Wickendon Street last spring. It was awesome. They had free Goldfish crackers and they let the kids adorn the walls with colored tape. Where was I going with any of this? I don't know:

Providence is awesome because of its vibrant art community? 
Consumerism as we know it is waning? 
It's probably that Stephen J. Hawking shouldn't feel badly because at least he's not a hobo. And even if he were, that wouldn't be so bad because hobos feed our children crunchy, salty treats.