Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Blicky Opens His Mailbag

Dear Blicky Kitty, 

My three-year-old is really starting to destroy our lovely home. Just yesterday she got into last summer’s tanning cream and now looks like a very small, orange mental patient. Today I found several small wooden toys glued and taped to the wall and my feminine pads were stuck to the beds in the Little People dollhouse. What can I do? I feel like my life has been hijacked by an insane dwarf.

Signed, Desperaux

Dear Desperaux,

Your life actually has been hijacked by an insane dwarf. The culprit is most assuredly bad parenting, but we can also look at the history of parenting small humans to find a solution. In the Middle Ages she would have been exorcised, then affixed to a thirstiness of leeches to rid her of an overabundance of bile. During the Renaissance and early Enlightenment, she would have been sent to an astrologer to gain insight into the configuration of stars at the time of her birth. In the Victorian and Edwardian eras her clothing would have been too restrictive to allow for any destructive behavior or movement. The first half of the 20th century saw the advent of shame as a behavior modification tool, which was quickly supplanted by the useless time out, favored by parenting tomes and pedantic nannies. I would recommend a course of leeches to correct her choleric, bilious nature and restore some of her more phlegmatic humours.

Dear Blicky Kitty,

What am I going to do? I’ve lost my job and now I’m afraid we won’t be able to keep our home.

Signed, Frightened in Fresno

Come, Man! Bring in some barrels for the help!

Dear Frightened,

Here at the Blicky Kittty Manse we’ve enacted certain forced austerity and adversity preparation measures so that we will continue so enjoy boundless prosperity. Try getting a nuclear power plant to run the landscape lighting around your grounds and the recessed lighting in the fish pond. Maybe you can let go the evening butler or the catnip buyer. At the very least, limit health insurance to your most cherished domestics. You can also buy them all gloves with the fingers cut off. Some of your servants could wear a barrel if they’re working away from the eyes of polite company. You can save a lot of money during the holidays if you switch from caviar to smoked salmon and don’t invite Mary Hartman or Frad Grandy unless you buy your wine directly from an importer. Grandfather Blicky made that same mistake during the Great Depression with Tallulah Bankhead to his great and ignoble detriment.


*mary* said...

Quite possibly the best blog post I've ever read. Nah, definitely!

Debby said...

Oh dagnabbit...my dwarves are all taller than me now. Is it to late to apply leeches?

LarryG said...

Thanks for all the cool stuff you post! more funnies to love!

Happy New Year!
May 2009 lift you up in wonderful ways!

The Self-Deprechaun said...

For the frightened in Fresno, I think a good prescription of this would have helped as well: www.usbunkers.com/company.php
I just purchased my bunker. It's the second coming of trailer homes!

Poetikat said...

Leeches? Doesn't Gwyneth P use those on Apple and Moses? I know she goes in for those sucker things that give one welts about the body.


chris said...

Those are great pictures. :)

Blicky Kitty said...

Thanks Mary! I'm not worthy.

Debby, you'll have to do it while they sleep!

Happy New Year Larry and cheers!

Good idea Self Deprechaun. I'd only be interested if you could trick it out with a gold plated jacuzzi.

I think you're right Kat. That's why they're such docile little angels.

MuseSwings said...

Leeches...all those years of crayons on the walls and Captain Crunch under the bed covers. If I had only thought of leechess... Brilliant and hilarious. I have to go take a nap now from laughing too hard before I've had coffee. Love ya Blick! Looking forward to a hysterical New Year!

Anonymous said...

feminine pads as dollhouse beds=hilarious!

Hot Belly Mama said...

That was absolutely hilarious and I love the part about the toddler.


Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL! This was great!!!

If you want to, come on over and register for my jewelry giveaway!!

Jeanne said...

I've missed the opportunity for corrective parenting a la leeches for my own daughter, but it's good to have something in my back pocket for the grandkids!

Ragamuffin Gal said...

I have to agree with mary ~ this is the best post! it made me laugh during a long boring afternoon! I hope there will be more!!! Gratefully~ katie

Tracy Griffin - Artist said...

My Fischer Price people could only dream of the comfort provided by a maxi-pad... ahh... the idea.

Circa 1971 - Tracy plays with her PlaySchool family and school bus.

Good times... Good times.

Tazeen said...

Lol at 'very small, orange mental patient'

it is an extremely hilarious post

Kristin said...

Good Lord, Woman!... I remember you being funny in the South Road days, but you're killing me!!... This is fantastic, feminine pads for bedding and surely the leeches are the missing tool from my kit :) My day is made. Happy New Year and thanks for the chuckle, O clever one!

Jenn Thorson said...

Really good writing-- so refreshing to see!!