Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The Crush

The phenomenon of the Crush has long been a topic of fascination to me because I realized long ago that I didn't get crushes like normal people. I just don't see the fun in hopping on the bandwagon with the celebrity crush. I tried that long ago but neither Donny Osmond nor Eric Estrada ever answered my letters. Since then I've never understood why my only crushes either last 5 minutes or focus on unconventional recipients.

Here are some of my crushes over the years:
I really don't have any explanation for myself here.

Roberto Benigni is just plain hysterical, especially if you've spent any time in Tuscany and funny men are just awesome, which is why I married one. I almost had a chance to meet him once in Italy and the crush vanished. I think I just had a platonic crush because of how he made me see things to love in people and how sweet he is about his principessa.

I know normal women are supposed to get crushes but even the fantasy of it doesn't work for me. Say you actually get to meet your Brad Pitt/George Clooney person. What then? Who's going to watch the kids? Also there's the minor fact that they hang out with chicks that I'm pretty sure are actually a different species from me. They are always magically coiffed and perfectly put together and they never get stinky even though they have to work out non-stop to look that way. When they get pregnant they apparently don't swell up like a big tick and have the guy at the drive-through mistake them for a man (That didn't happen to me. Who said that happened to me?). If Angelina Jolie were an animal and I was an animal, she'd be like a cougar or a doe and I'd be like a marmot or something. Still totally cute, but just a different species. I think also if someone came from a different planet and was all "Hey, just came to check out your planet. What's up?" I'd be all "Whoa, that's so amazing." Then once I got over that initial shock of new planet, greenish tint to the skin, intergalactic travel and all of that, let's say Angelina Jolie shows up. Who would it be weirder for me to stand next to? Honestly. I really couldn't say...

My husband and I each get a crush and his has always been consistent. Yep here she is: 
Wanna hear what an awesome wife I am? I found out that Cindy was actually going to be in town promoting her fine new line of home furnishings. My husband chuckled about it over breakfast and said "too bad I have to work." So at the appointed hour I piled the girls into the car. We're not a fast food family, but I had to stop and get sushi for me and happy meals for the kids to get there on time. I vaguely remember French fries falling out of our blicky old car as we went to meet "Daddy's girlfriend." I had my then 1-year-old in a vice grip as we entered the store. I lunged for a glass of free wine, picked a French fry out of the fold of my fleece jacket and tucked it into a potted plant. Then I waited in line for about an hour and a half with a squirming toddler, a loudly complaining six-year-old and most of the male residents of Seekonk, Massachusetts to obtain Cindy's autograph on one of my daughter's drawings for Daddy. 

We often think, "Oh it's just airbrushing, lighting etc. They're really just like the rest of us." Well, in Cindy's case that is patently false. It's like she's from another universe where everything's pretty and smells nice. Maybe if you have a ton of money you just start looking like that. Maybe she wakes up in the morning and puts a little Money Juice behind each ear and becomes instantly breathtaking. She smiled and said my girls were so cute and all I could think was, "She thinks they're cute! She wants to be my BFF!"  Then "Am I stinky? I bet she can smell French fries and she'll think we eat gross food. I need to go home and groom for like three hours. I'm going blow dry my hair every day and start wearing makeup." I also found myself wondering if she had ever found herself still in pajamas when the school bus came. Our bus driver always asks if I'm wearing my "good pajamas" today --as if I'd actually waste the good pajamas on the bus driver. Anyhow, I just giggled something stupid to poor Cindy and left, but it occurs to me now. I'm a girl (when I'm not pregnant) and here she has this effect on me. How does she make men react?

Speaking of men I think I've finally found a celebrity crush that I can stick to: Jermaine from the Flight of the Conchords. He's like Donny Osmond and Eric Estrada all rolled into one. Hey baby (not the actual baby, I'm saying baby to Jermaine in a sexist way), you like 40 yr. old mummas? Yeah, I bet you do, and I might even break out my good pajamas if you want to make me laugh while I wait for the school bus.


*mary* said...

That is hilarious!
Yeah, I don't have "normal" cruhes. Actually I don't have any now, but as a youngster they included Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, Spiderman, Scooby-Doo himself, and that weird redheaded guy named Yahoo Serious. My sister and I fought over that one! Lol.

Cassoulet Cafe said...

Funny men ARE awesome, which is why I married one too ;)

The Self-Deprechaun said...

I totally know what you are talking about although my crush..er obsession (Padma Lakshmi from Top Chef) probably has a restraining order on me. I wrote about my encounter recently. In total i have met her 3 times and exchange 3-5 words total but I've bought her damn 45 dollar cookbook everytime.

Nana Trish is Living the Dream said...

Okay..every time I hear my employees say "I Want........" I say "Yes, and I want to look like Cindy Crawford." The reason the Lord has me look like I do is because if I looked like her I would sit up all night and look in the mirror at myself. She is from another planet. Bless her heart. Great post.

Blicky Kitty said...

Heh heh Rappy and Scooby rat's a great one Mary! I can totally see Yahoo Serious too. We need to start our own 100 sexiest people list.

We'll add CC's funny husband and Padma Lakshmi on their too. :) SD I'll have to go check out that post now. :).

Haha I know what you mean Nana Trish. The weird thing was she acted like it was a perfectly reasonable thing for her to look the way she does!

Debby said...

I have to tell you, I howled.

"If Angelina Jolie were an animal and I was an animal, she'd be like a cougar or a doe and I'd be like a marmot or something. Still totally cute, but just a different species." That's about right. I wonder what species a bald woman with scars and gray skin would be?

Poetikat and the Hyggecats said...

Yup. I hear ya! I've had some pretty unconventional crushes too: Anthony Andrews (who played a gay man) in "Brideshead Revisited" - and at the time I had seen him in only that.
Harry Connick Jr., Peter Frampton, Ben Cross (I actually got to see him in person!) - mainly tall, skinny, aesthetic types.
My husband's crush is consistent as well - Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't even bother to compete with that. She's tall, I'm short. She's blonde, I'm mousy brown, She's gorgeous, I'm not gorgeous.

Question: Blicky, have you seen Benigni in "Down By Law"? You must!

Oh, and btw, yesterday I was in a restaurant and they were playing "Tragedy" by the Bee Gees. It was muted by the noise and I thought it was actually Ethel Merman singing a Christmas carol. Ha!


P.S. What are "good pajamas"? Mine are a mish-mash of thrift store reject bottoms and old t-shirts.

Hey! Come on over and see our Elf video.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. said...

That's greatness.lol Women like that make me feel the same way. I made the mistake of watching the Victoria Secret fashion show the other night. I was amazed at how Heidi Klum looks after all those kids. I'm not fat but, I felt it after watching that show.lol

On another note, I love that last picture you posted. The look on that babies face is priceless.lol :o)

Aleta said...

I loved this post! Greg is all about Angelina Joli - I think he secretly hopes to see her in New Orleans walking down the street one day. Lol.

How sweet that you got her autograph for your man. Bet it made his day!

Blicky Kitty said...

Debbie I feel happy to have given you a good laugh. :) I think you're working the bald and will set new trends for spring fashion week.

Oh Kat, I can totally relate to the Peter Frampton thing. And he had the whole talking guitar thing going for him too... I'll be by in a bit! Oh and the dress pajamas are red fleece with snowflakes. I have so precious few that aren't sweatpants pretending to be pajamas :).

Sarcasm...yes Klum is just a genetic mutant. She probably feasts on soylent green to look that way. That is a lucky lucky baby..

Thanks Aleta! He got a pretty good laugh from it and, good guy that he is, made sure to emphasize with the girls that she was high school valedictorian and not just pretty. Gee it was her valedictorian he's been admiring all these years!

Tracy Griffin - Artist said...

Ah, yes... the crush. Once in a while, while watching TV my husband will comment "she's such a pretty girl, isn't she?" To which I usually say, "yes, she is."

When I say, "he's such a handsome man" my husband looks up and asks, "who's ass do I have to kick now?"

Flattering? You bet. ;)

Anna Lefler said...

Confession time: I suffer from a (not so) rare disorder called SIS, or "Supermodel Intolerance Syndrome" for you non-MDs in the crowd.

I live in Santa Monica, you know, which is celebrity-infested, so every now and then I have a SERIOUS SIS flare-up...like the time Claudia Schiffer got all huffy with me because she had to take two extra steps (at, I guess, $50K per hoof?) to get around my baby stroller in a store. (Hey, Claudia - I've got two words for you and they ain't "Let's dance.")

So, not to mention any (other) names...but your post piqued my interest because I MAY have had a flare-up with one of the superwhatevers you mentioned as well. (Have you cracked my mad code?) Anyhoo...the bottom line is that our mothers were right: Pretty is as pretty does. And from where I was sitting...um, not pretty.

Just my opinion, of course...

Dang! There goes that itching again! Argh!



Braja said...

I don't get crushes...

Blicky Kitty said...

That's flattering Tracy! Oh and b.t.w. your artwork is amazing!

Oh man you're surrounded by them Anna! I can't believe you made poor Claudia walk lie that. The nerve of your baby too. I think we mortals have to be sensitive. It's so hard being a superperson. When you eat 500 calories a day extra steps can be so difficult. :)

Actually I'm not surprised. You should blog about your celebrity sightings!

No crushes, Braja! I apparently get lame ones so I feel better knowing that I don't even need to have one. :)

Anonymous said...

What a good wife you are!

steviewren said...

I kind of got over the celebrity crush thing a couple of years ago when I realized the hottie I was thinking about was my oldest son's age....eeeeek! Talk about a reality check...of the worst kind!

MuseSwings said...

Blicky - I've been getting error messages - couldn't pop over to visit. My insecurities naturally got the best of me.I was sure I was banned by the Pope or something- Anyway, I didn't have crushes - well maybe Don Johnson for a while. My reasoning is, these people are never going to stop and ask me for the time of day or an autograph, so why should I be like all screamy and sighy over them?

tara @ kidz said...

LOL! Loved this post! My current crush is the black guy on Criminal Minds. Hottie. Merry Christmas!

Janeen said...

I came by to see you on the Christmas Tour Muse Swings hosted. I'll check back again later! I'm off to visit the others!

On another note, my home computer monitor died last night after the kids played a game on it. It's 8 years old, I got my use out of it. I guess all I want for Christmas is a new computer monitor! So I'll be on remotely until then so not to worry if you don't see me post as often!

LarryG said...

you are right - those local guys were probably all practically peeing in there collective pants!

Anonymous said...

is that Jemaine (why would I ask... I worship the man for goodness sake!)?
is that his kid ??
hmm... they both look kind of scared of eachother.
God, he's sexy... you've got good taste !