Monday, February 9, 2009

Running Induced Omnipotence: Symptoms and Etiology

Yesterday I numbered among the many New England denizens who took advantage of the temporary thaw on Sunday to get out for some fresh air and vitamin D. Only, because I'm turning thirtyten next week, my foray out-of-doors was a ten mile training run for my celebratory roadrace.

So I found myself wondering if anyone else out there was afflicted by exercise-induced omnipotence. Luckily Blicky is an expert on the disorder and has devised a detailed description and etiology of the symptoms. Prerun-mile 1
The first stage is characterized my extreme fatigue, fear and ill humor. The inner dialogue usually consists of extremely negative thought patterns with regards to the upcoming run. It's so cold, and I'm safe and warm with my book and my fleecy blanket. I might get bitten by a dog or mowed down by a crazed Sunday morning drunk driver. Also, I've heard there have been black bear sightings and I can't find the pepper spray. I'm too old. Not too old to find the pepper spray, just too old to be running a distance race.

Mile 2
OK this feels pretty good. But I hope that great dane on Pine Street is inside. What would I do if I ever ran into that bear?

Mile 3
That dog couldn't hurt me that much.

Mile 4
How many miles left? OK that great dane is inside. Time to find a better song on the iPod. The normal person usually maintains this stage of endorphin induced omnipotence for the duration of the run, as seen in the fuchsia line above. The truly afflicted progress into the more pathological stages of exercise omnipotence as indicated by the yellow line.

Miles 5-7
Oh I'm just gliding along like I'm on wheels! I like the colors on that cute little contemporary over there. Maybe I could do something like that. Ok I'm DEFINITELY going to win this race next week. Yeah, I'm average 10 minute miles and there will be young men in their 20's and 30's, but they don't brave roving bears, dogs and chickens in their training runs. They're going down. Also, I think I could probably change careers and become a recording artist. I'll learn how to use Garage Band and maybe a musical instrument make millions on my first mash-up. What should my stage name be? 

Miles 8-9
If that bear came up to me now I would beat it up. First I'd poke him in the eyes with my fingers then I'd elbow him in the stomach and rotate my arm up to punch him in the nose. Then I'd knock him down and punch him. Actually, maybe I'd dress up like a female bear first like Bugs Bunny used to do, and then when he fell in love with me, I'd beat him up or give him Acme TNT inside a candy box. I might have to be careful of how to play it to the media, with my recording contract and all. Extreme sufferers, during this final stage of endorphin madness have been known to devise evil plots involving dark magic and horcruxes to kill Harry Potter, attain immortality and rule the world or plan preemptive invasions of Iraq. 

Mile 10-postrun
This is stupid. I'm a terrible runner. I bet even...even...Ozzy Osbourne or Rush Limbaugh could beat me next Sunday. This hurts. It's cold. The inner dialogue usually degenerates into constant repetitive profanity at this point.

There is only one cure that I would strongly recommend: sloth. I have no cure for turning thirtyten, but it most assuredly isn't signing up for a ten mile roadrace.


*mary* said...

Hilarious! I admire your endurance, and most of all, moxy.

Okay, your stage name if you rap is Feminem.
If you are a rocker, as I hope you will be, you can lead an all-girl band named "The Ann-ti Coulters."

And OF COURSE Rush Limbaugh could beat you in a race. A) His name is Rush, afterall, and B) someone told him his Oxycontin dealer was at the finish line.
So don't sweat that one.

Blicky Kitty said...

Whew, if you look at it that way, Rush actually has the advantage! :)

Merrily Down the Stream said...

Fabulous - had many of the same thoughts as I attempt running again at the ripe old age of 49 (vowed to do a marathon at 50 - thinking a half would REALLY be stretching my capabilities) Can't come up with a bear component here in the south and I'm a little bit too far north for alligators. Any ideas???

petra michelle; Whose role is it anyway? said...

hahaha! Too funny! :))

Swung by from MuseSwings to see that your offering a Valentine's Day Karma-thon which sounds like so much fun as all these events have been. But noticed the date.
Have prior commitment, but would love to have attended. Have a wonderful time! And throw some of your great Karma my way! Petra :))

Chris said...

That was terrific!! I felt as though I was with you, esp. because I know that "bear" on Pine Street, we've run together a few times! great blog!!!

CDB said...

This was fantastic.. I had a similar internal dialogue when I was training for a Half Marathon. Except mine included more profanity towards teh middle.

Good for you for getting out there. It was warm in DC too, close to 70 Sunday. But I didn't. Run.

Poetikat said...

What a relief! When I saw the thumbnail on my sidebar, I thought it said "impotence". (Anna L will tell you I have these glitches where I misread stuff).

I was expected an inside look on how male runners in spandex lose their virility and cannot procreate.

Bugs Bunny was always doing that drag shtick. Remember the one on the Riverboat with the guy called Colonel Shuffle? Same deal. Little tail poking out of the dress - that sort of thing.

I commend you on your stamina and determination. I have a stationary bike. It's murder on my piles.


MuseSwings said...

Brilliant and hilarious - at mile 4 didn't you mean to say pathetic-ological?
Sudden death would end my run at 2 blocks, 3 houses so my inner dialogue would be interrupted by the sounds of sirens and bears trying to get a bite or two in before they arrive.

Debby said...

I've taken a vow. I don't run. I can walk forever though.

Arminda said...

No, no, no honey! The cure for turning thirtyten (I love this and will be stealing it come April) is not reminding yourself that you're out of shape -- unless, like me, you've never been in any particular shape worth mentioning.

I have found that joining a band helps, especially a co-ed band with a super-talented twenty-five year old -- the whole innuendo-laden banter is nice, but even better are the long stretches of conversation with a 25-year-old who doesn't want to call you ma'am.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

WOW you are my hero. You ran enough for me for the rest of my life. I prefer reaching sedentary nirvana on the couch.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

WOW you are my hero. You ran enough for me for the rest of my life. I prefer reaching sedentary nirvana on the couch.

Sean Donland said...

I admire your fortitude, I got tired just reading the word Omnipotence.

Janeen said...

Ha Ha! Thanks for stopping by today!

This post today is soooo funny! I can assure as I turned thirtyten last November that there is no cure, just move over to the side and suck oxygen the entire way. Heave-Ho! ha ha

Seriously, I congratulate you on your upcoming celebration! Post pics!!!

Blicky Kitty said...

@MerrilyDTS do you have any mean, rabid squirrels. You need to be a stud to brave that!
Petra thanks for stopping by! Feel free to participate anyway even if you're busy. I'll be off with my 3 lovies for bits of the day myself!
Chris, I'm so glad to know he's not vicious!
CDB the 1/2 is such a great distance. I always planned my food treats for the middle and that staved off the cussing a bit. :)
Kat that's so funny I almost included a line about "not to be comfused with runners impotence."
Muse: Haha yeah death is a pesky hurdle for some runners.
Yeah Arminda that works when you have a perfect figure like yourself without any exercise!
Great SD I'm glad to be of service!
Thanks Janeen!

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