Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Blicky's Meditations on Aging

Someone once told me about a local organization of women called a Crone Society or just plain Crones, I'm not sure, where women gather and sit in a spiral and take turns, starting with the youngest, relating what it means to have reached their age and what their perspective on life is from where they sit.
I love this idea on so many levels because first of all, how many tabloids in our culture scream out to us, "Woman Reports Valuable Wisdom As She Ages?" We are so much more concerned with the contour of Jessica Simpson's arse than we are with the subtleties of Madeleine Albright's insights into the current geopolitical landscape. I applaud the revival of the Crone because it restores honor and respect to aging.

So this week, as I make my graceful transition from thirtyten to fortydamnit, I thought I'd share my own insights about aging; the cool parts and the not so cool and impart some advice to the kittens seated farther out along the spiral.

OK Cool Part About Aging:
  • You mostly forget your age. I still think I'm in my early twenties until I catch a glimpse of my hand and shriek. I also gasp in horror each time I espy my smile lines in the car mirror.
  • Your body has all this cool science project stuff happen to it. Like when you do bicycling in Pilates your tummy does this super cool Sharpei dog thing where all the skin collects down next to your sports bra (note to self: do not show this post to spouse). My sister showed me the cool inner elbow trick five years ago and I didn't know what she was talking about, until now. Oh, and no one ever told me your ears keep growing. Time lapse photography shows me looking a lot like Gollum by 2029.
  • The forty-year-old self is infinitely cooler and stronger than the twenty year old self, and that inner beauty rocks! Most women I know wouldn't go back to twenty even if they were offered the opportunity.
  • You can go out with a bunch of friends and not have to worry about getting hit on. Nuf said.

Now for the sucky part about aging:
  • You mostly forget about your age. This is fine until the day you realize the guy you thought was checking you out is just waiting for you to vacate a parking spot or waiting for you to order lunch. Note to self: next time a cute guy asks to sit next to you at the movies, the proper response is not, "yeah, yeah but keep your paws to yourself, butterscotch!" but rather "Oh certainly young man, and will your girlfriend be needing this other seat?"
  • Your body has all this cool science project stuff happen to it. This is not so cool when you're Posh Spice and you're working out everyday, not eating and trying to be all Posh spice and not all Scary Spice and someone gets all up in you biness and posts a picture of you in a gold bustier with a lump of skin hanging below your armpit like a crestfallen scrotum.
  • The forty-year-old self is infinitely cooler than the twenty year  old self, and that inner beauty rocks! You get to look back at all the stupid things that idiot inhabiting your much hotter, younger body did with all that precious youth. I now understand that I should have slept my way to the top while I still could.
  • You can go out with a bunch of friends and not have to worry about getting hit on. Nuf said.
Oh and for you spring kittens, aside from sleeping your way to the top, I will impart some additional skills for a young gentlewoman. Here's how to get rid of the gross, drunk dude when you just want to spend time out with your friends. Your main priority should be to disabuse him of the opinion that you're hot. I know this is hard for many of you young things, but trust me; not every guy needs to go forth into this world cherishing your hotness. Here are the fastest ways to achieve this goal:
1. Speak a strange dialect with lots of clicks and snorts. This usually only works if you happen to be out with my cousin Anna who without skipping a beat would fall into a sustained click-snort conversation with you.
2. Pretend to have a fit of some sort. This works like gang busters for the really persistent or the really drunk. It usually works best if you happen to be out with Sally, who provides masterful supporting dialogue like, "oh no, not again, someone please get us some water."
3. Make you're eyes really wide and stare-ie and make your voice really gravelly, grunty and erratic. Look deeply into his eyes and say, "The woman at the center said I was ready to have a boyfriend."

For all of my sisters farther along our winding spiral: we're listening...


I'll post the results of our Karm-A-Thon at the end of the week! Here's some mandatory fun in the meantime:


Debby said...

Well, by golly, there it was. Wisdom. It's true. You get older as you get wiser. Speaking of which, I'm 51. I'm going to impart some wisdom here and I can, because I'm 'aging' too. You don't want to moan too much about being old around people who are. We'll rise up and begin to assault and batter you. Warning: The really old ones have canes.

Blicky Kitty said...

hahaha, Debby, duuuuuck! There's a 61 year old behind you and she looks really, really angry...and strong.

Jeanne said...

The stars must be aligned -- I did a "wisdom with the perspective of age" post today, too.

Another good way to get rid of drunk guys (when you're young and hot, no longer an issue here, to your point) is to go all dewy-eyed and say, "You're just the kind of man I want to marry!"

Blicky Kitty said...

Oh Jeanne that's an amazing post. For anyone who wishes to see the same topic handled more adeptly and with more wisdom check out Jeanne's post:


CDB said...

Blick AND Jeanne, that's why I love both of you, like MOMS! (Just kidding!! I'm not that far behind you, have much less wisdom, but if you ARE mad, I'm faster.) 33 isn't so bad, it turns out.

I love this post. I laughed so hard my husband made me tell him why.

Poetikat said...

Your ears AND your nose get bigger. Look at all the elders (old folks - I'm trying to be nice) and tell me their ears and noses aren't a heck of a lot bigger than when they were in their 20s. Take a look a some celebs - barring the ones like Joan Rivers who have planed their faces until they look like mannequins that just ran into a flat-iron (and have their ears stretched behind their heads).
I embrace my age - what else can I do, curl up and die? I've been going through mid-life since I was 39 and it doesn't show any signs of letting up. No kids = 10 years of hot flashes. Fun wow! I'm not a cronze; I'm more like a geezer.


Poetikat said...

Waz a cronze, I wondr?


*mary* said...

Can I cry now?
What will become of a sloth like myself if THAT pit-scrote is what happens to a neurotic excercise-obsessed freak such as Posh?

What do I get? An Armgina?

I quit.

steviewren said...

Too funny and too true!

True story about the sucky part of aging...on my 40th birthday I picked up my 19 1/2 year old after he dropped his car off at the repair shop. While I waited in the car on him, I was looking at my face in the mirror. Even in the bright light I looked pretty good. Not too many wrinkles and only a few gray hairs visible in the sunlight. Looking good...that's when I saw it for the first time....a great big long black man whisker on my neck!!!!! I was demoralized!!! So much for aging gracefully.

Anonymous said...

You are too funny!

fortydammit, lol!

tara @ kidz said...

So true. And I love Iron & wine.

MuseSwings said...

The good new is, I was still getting "hit on" as late as 2004. The bad news is I am sure they all had some kind of degenerative eye disease or mother issues.

I stopped by the day you posted this, but I became distracted about my ears and wandered off to look in the mirror - why do they keep growing?? I can't hear any better. It's easier to put my earrings on though - I don't have to reach so high.

Lavinia said...

Great post!! Now firmly in my forties, I have to tell ya that I mostly love not getting hit on all the time anymore. So nice to go about my business and not have to worry about being bothered/distracted/held up by male interest.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

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Beth Kephart said...

I sure needed this right now.

Nuf said.