Blicky's Meditations on Aging

Someone once told me about a local organization of women called a Crone Society or just plain Crones, I'm not sure, where women gather and sit in a spiral and take turns, starting with the youngest, relating what it means to have reached their age and what their perspective on life is from where they sit.

I love this idea on so many levels because first of all, how many tabloids in our culture scream out to us, "Woman Reports Valuable Wisdom As She Ages?" We are so much more concerned with the contour of Jessica Simpson's arse than we are with the subtleties of Madeleine Albright's insights into the current geopolitical landscape. I applaud the revival of the Crone because it restores honor and respect to aging.

So this week, as I make my graceful transition from thirtyten to fortydamnit, I thought I'd share my own insights about aging; the cool parts and the not so cool and impart some advice to the kittens seated farther out along the spiral.

OK Cool Part About Aging:

• You mostly forget your age. I still think I'm in my early twenties until I catch a glimpse of my hand and shriek. I also gasp in horror each time I espy my smile lines in the car mirror.
  
• Your body has all this cool science project stuff happen to it. Like when you do bicycling in Pilates your tummy does this super cool Sharpei dog thing where all the skin collects down next to your sports bra (note to self: do not show this post to spouse). My sister showed me the cool inner elbow trick five years ago and I didn't know what she was talking about, until now. Oh, and no one ever told me your ears keep growing. Time lapse photography shows me looking a lot like Gollum by 2029.
• The forty-year-old self is infinitely cooler and stronger than the twenty year old self, and that inner beauty rocks! Most women I know wouldn't go back to twenty even if they were offered the opportunity.
• You can go out with a bunch of friends and not have to worry about getting hit on. Nuf said.

Now for the sucky part about aging:

• You mostly forget about your age. This is fine until the day you realize the guy you thought was checking you out is just waiting for you to vacate a parking spot or waiting for you to order lunch. Note to self: next time a cute guy asks to sit next to you at the movies, the proper response is not, "yeah, yeah but keep your paws to yourself, butterscotch!" but rather "Oh certainly young man, and will your girlfriend be needing this other seat?"
• Your body has all this cool science project stuff happen to it. This is not so cool when you're Posh Spice and you're working out everyday, not eating and trying to be all Posh spice and not all Scary Spice and someone gets all up in you biness and posts a picture of you in a gold bustier with a lump of skin hanging below your armpit like a crestfallen scrotum.
• The forty-year-old self is infinitely cooler than the twenty year  old self, and that inner beauty rocks! You get to look back at all the stupid things that idiot inhabiting your much hotter, younger body did with all that precious youth. I now understand that I should have slept my way to the top while I still could.
• You can go out with a bunch of friends and not have to worry about getting hit on. Nuf said.

Oh and for you spring kittens, aside from sleeping your way to the top, I will impart some additional skills for a young gentlewoman. Here's how to get rid of the gross, drunk dude when you just want to spend time out with your friends. Your main priority should be to disabuse him of the opinion that you're hot. I know this is hard for many of you young things, but trust me; not every guy needs to go forth into this world cherishing your hotness. Here are the fastest ways to achieve this goal:

1. Speak a strange dialect with lots of clicks and snorts. This usually only works if you happen to be out with my cousin Anna who without skipping a beat would fall into a sustained click-snort conversation with you.

2. Pretend to have a fit of some sort. This works like gang busters for the really persistent or the really drunk. It usually works best if you happen to be out with Sally, who provides masterful supporting dialogue like, "oh no, not again, someone please get us some water."

3. Make you're eyes really wide and stare-ie and make your voice really gravelly, grunty and erratic. Look deeply into his eyes and say, "The woman at the center said I was ready to have a boyfriend."

For all of my sisters farther along our winding spiral: we're listening...

***

I'll post the results of our Karm-A-Thon at the end of the week! Here's some mandatory fun in the meantime: