Saturday, November 15, 2008

Blicky; the Baleful Scourge of Your Inbox

I try not to let this get out, but you know those email forwards you get? "Forward this to seven people you care about in the next ten minutes and you will have good luck." As some of you know, I love to devour a good book just as much as good cuisine. So... if Light in August by William Faulkner is a nice roasted chicken in bitter orange and garlic deglazing sauce, and the Sedaris book you fished out of the dump book swap is like a decent pizza, the email forward is the literary equivalent of a week-old pile of fritoes found next to an old pair of shoes in the garage. Well, Blicky actually authors the majority of them. He is out of town this week. I think he and some undisclosed associates have hired a psychic to help them channel the ghost of Lee Atwater so Blicky can make his big comeback in DC. He asked me to write a few in his absence and left me some pointers.
1. Meow lay on the saccharin.
2. No font size is too big, meow.
3. Meow never have too many wiggling animals.
4. Include cute animal or spurious political claim -- or both.
5. Meow, don't be a slave to coherent thoughts.

Ok let's give it a whirl. Feel free to chime in with your own ideas and we can start circulating it. I'm embellishing things from actual email forwards:
Just think, if the entire population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. 
Which, apparently they can accomplish while staying in line which is a little disturbing but nevertheless impressive and...
Did you know that  111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321? Weird huh?

I believe that children are the future and they will have a future as long as the president isn't a secret Muslim bent on our destruction. 

And we all love children, especially if we've given birth to them while being cruelly forced to stand in line with your entire country.  Always remember that the love that you carry in your heart is many a splendid thing and, like a festering illness, will grow if you pass it along.
Send this to five people you love. If you do, you'll receive an email telling you which common vegetable might be poisoning the children in your life. If you don't, then you probably don't love them anyway. Ok, now I just need a cute animal.

7 comments:

MuseSwings said...

I got this one in the e-mail today, replete with hearts, ribbons and flowers, huge font and a moving figure:

"Now that I'm older I thought it was great that I seemed to have more patience.
Turns out I just don't give a shit."

This is more my style, but I'm still not going to share it with 10 of my old friends.

Oh, and about that 2.5 Mil that's sitting in a bank in the Congo awaiting my response, please tell Blick my bank account number is 2354679801-987.

steviewren said...

Blicky, you have 20 minutes to tell 10 sisterchicks that you love them because we're not promised tomorrow! And don't forget this:

WARNING FROM POLICE THIS APPLIES TO BOTH WOMEN AND MEN BEWARE OF PAPER ON THE BACK WINDOW OF YOUR VEHICLE--NEW WAY TO DO CARJACKINGS (NOT A JOKE)' Heads up everyone! Please, keep this circulating..

...My trash is filled with this trash! Why do people keep forwarding this stuff.....it makes me crazy!

ps please send your contacts in the Congo my account # too...258670@ru-stupid

*mary* said...

Hilarious post!
Hey, I was listening to your music playlist at the bottom of the page and I must compliment you on your excellent taste in music! You should definitely check out the late, great Jeff Buckley if you haven't already. I think you might like his music.
(What's not to like? Of course you will!)

willow said...

"Hello! ma baby,
Hello! ma honey,
Hello! ma ragtime gal,
Send me a kiss by wire,
Baby my heart's on fire!"

I love that frog.

Great post. I get a TON of these things!!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Good Lord woman, how you manage to turn the most annoying into the most entertaining...BRAVO!

octopede said...

My dad is king of these. Sentimental conservative homilies set to tinny MIDI files and at least 4 animated GIFs, followed by a footsteps-on-the-beach-esque bit of JesusTreacle, and maybe a picture of one of those Anne Geddes fetuses. I open the email and go "GAAAAAAHHHH" and know that he was thinking of me. And 46 other people.

Anna Lefler said...

* snort *

I am laughing out loud right now, as well as taping shut a massive box of condoms to be shipped directly to China.

I just hate long lines.

I guess they could also inflate them and use them in their next Vegas-style Olympics show.

They're ribbed. (My mom says if you're going to send someone something, try to send something nice.)

A.