Sunday, August 10, 2008

Proof that going green will make you hotter, younger and richer.

We in the green community (Kermit, Yoda and I) tend to think of Americans as lagging behind more enlightened nations when it comes to environmental issues. Our list of debacles and snafus goes on and on: the failure to sign the Kyoto treaty, air quality legislation leading to mbta contamination, electing he-who-shall-not-be-named to the oval office... But perhaps we're going about it the wrong way, because it's a well-known fact that we'll go for anything that makes us hotter, younger or richer.

This Italian, Buddhist, investment banker guy I used to date had the habit of spouting bogus statistics to back up random discussions we'd be having. I started to catch on when he said things like 96% of all people think going clubbing is way more fun than movies in NYC. I recently realized you could apply the same kind of bogus marketing techniques to going green so I determined to perform a little experiment on Blicky. I told him that 95% of former-models-turned-green-activists would prefer to adopt an environmentally conscious cat.

It did the trick! In just one week Blicky has stopped polishing his Hummer with whale fat and he's been using a fishing pole instead of just throwing DDT into the river. We've also been receiving returned mail that Blicky's been sending Amber Valetta, spokesperson for Oceana, a foundation set up to protect the world's oceans. So, as a result of this experiment we can conclude that convincing people that environmentalism makes them hotter, richer and thinner is 98% percent effective.

The above picture was taken from a women's fitness magazine which kindly asked Blicky to take part.
Was is for an article about:
a. How to get your dream abs and make your friends like you more with these ten easy moves?
b. How three friends went from being old and morbidly obese, to being hot, young and rich fitness instructors?
c. One of 31 tips on how to green your routine, recommending that you find planet-loving pals or get tips on green networking sites like gengreen? 

Seeing environmental issues flashing on the pages of pop media, with cutesie word play and images of the uber-hot is hard to get used to, but maybe that's the way it has to work in our culture. I have to admit, the recommendations for greener living actually seemed quite well-conceived. If everyone made just small changes maybe it would have a huge impact in a country our size. It would definitely be 75% effective in making our future seem less bleak.

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